Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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