did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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