I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
