Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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