Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
