I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish life had little blips of pornography
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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