Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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