If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
