If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
