remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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