Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
