it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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