I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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