my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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