At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
