I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
