I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Let's get the cat blown out
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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