1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
