Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
