I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize