I wish my penis had an off switch
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
