She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize