ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
