She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
