worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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