Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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