new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
