Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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