You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
