Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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