it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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