Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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