i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
