she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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