my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
