If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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