i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I have peed in a lot of sinks
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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