this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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