Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
