Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
