So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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