Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
