Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I didn't notice because vodka
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
