Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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