last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
