You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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