I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
