Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize