dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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