the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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