GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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