So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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