He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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