why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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