Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
