It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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