Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my sisters under your porch take her home
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
