Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
