morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
