I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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