this beer tastes like vomit already
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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