dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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