If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
