I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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