Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
