I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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